Oh, I'm More Than Enough..
Growing up I struggled with feeling like I wasn't enough. I thought that I was too fat, too ugly, too dark skin... I was just never enough. And of course, I also had the confirmation from society.
I constantly looked at people on TV, and magazines, which helped me realize I was far from pretty. My brothers played sports, my sister was a nice brown complexion, super pretty, and they all were very popular.
And then it was me....Fat and dark-skinned.
So, growing up I had society, and my siblings reminding me daily that I wasn’t enough. I would wear clothes that I knew were too small, just to show off my breast and get attention from guys. I only wanted to wear the latest name brands, because I thought it would get people to notice me.
I knew all the attention I was receiving was negative attention, but negative attention was better than no attention... Right?!?
That was completely wrong, because I soon realized that people didn’t like me for who I was, but they liked me for what I had. I was so unhappy with my life, it got so bad that I even tried to kill myself. I tried to slit my wrist, but, as soon as I saw the blood, I realize I wasn’t about that life lol. I realize now, that it was only God that stopped me from going through with suicide. Because at that point in life I thought it was no reason to live. I had nothing to offer, I was fat, ugly and basically, I thought I was a waste of life.
I notice that if I wasn’t giving people things they really didn’t want to be bothered with me. No wasn't a word I used often, even if I didn’t want to do something, or I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, I did it anyway, because I just wanted to feel accepted.
But being accepted didn’t help me love myself.
I would pray and ask God "why did you make me this way, why can't I just fit in?" Honestly, the more I prayed, the more I would feel uncomfortable doing things and going places I knew I shouldn't have been. So, I decide to start loving me. By putting God first, and some counseling, I realized, I am worth something, and God had a plan for my life, that’s why he didn’t allow me to take it.
Now hear me out, I didn’t have a horrible life growing up, I have an amazing mom, loving siblings and my dad was and still is a part of my life... My dad is my dad and I love him to life, but I will definitely have a blog about him in the future lol. The point is, I don’t want you to think my problems and self-esteem issues, stemmed from not having a father in my life, or from having a terrible childhood!
All my insecurities were self-inflicted.
I constantly compared myself to everyone, even my friends. I would classify myself as the fat and ugly friend. I learned at a young age, that if you say something negative about yourself before anyone else does, then when someone else says something about you, it won't hurt as bad. Let me keep it 100, even though I love myself more than I ever have, I still call out my flaws before anyone else can. I'm still working on that, it's kind of a defense mechanism.
As I have grown, and developed a relationship with Christ, I have realized, that all my doubts and insecurities about myself, were just ways the devil knew he could have control. I have found out, that If I love myself and adore myself the way God does, then nothing else matters. I constantly asked God "why won't anyone love me? And why can't I just be happy?" What I didn’t know at the time was, for someone to love me, I have to know how to love myself. How can I expect someone to do something for me, and I wasn’t even doing it for myself? My insecurities wouldn’t allow me to let someone love me, because I didn't know how to accept the love. When guys would say, "you're beautiful", I would think they were lying, and they just wanted something. But, sometimes they just wanted to tell me that I was beautiful.
My best friend would always tell me, I needed to take myself on dates, and enjoy some me time. And I'm not going to lie, I thought she was crazy. I felt like taking myself out would make me look lonely. But, eventually I tried it, and the more I spend time with myself, the more I love me. God made us special, and if you don’t realize how special you are, how can you expect someone else to?
I have learned to "love myself unapologetically".
If you love you, then people don’t have a choice, but to love you. Now, I didn’t just start to love myself overnight, it was a process and still is. But, now I don’t care what people think about me, the only person I'm trying to impress is God, and if you have a problem with that, I can honestly care less. Instead of me doing things to fit in, now I do things that would make God happy.
I am far from perfect, but I am happy with the imperfect person I am!
Spending time with myself, and God, has helped me realize how valuable of a person I am, I know for a fact that, "I am more than enough"! I am a super dope person, (lol) and I don’t need anyone's approval or opinion about that statement!
Learning to love myself, was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was also, the best thing I have ever learned to do.
Seek God, because he is worth it, and love yourself, because you're worth it...
You wont regret it... Trust me...
Scripture- You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. ~Song of Solomon 4:7
Song- I Like that- Janelle Monae